Narf's Swinging Balls
Ok, I know I said I was only going to post new material once each week but I think that if you squint your eyes really hard and use your imagination you will agree that this is almost an extension of the Dubstep post from earlier this week and also related to the dancing post that I never wrote.(Everyone who is anyone agrees that the dancing one is my best update yet.)
As I was carving up the Dubstep video this week one thing kept attracting my eye. It’s something that I have been on the periphery of for a gazillion years but have never seriously tried.(I never tried it because I have a sever lack of patience for things that I don’t pick up quickly and if God forbid I struggle at it I may never finish learning(see also the Guitar post that hasn’t been written yet(I have owned a guitar for several years and you will still never see me do much more than strum the same 2 chords no matter what song we drunken bastards are howling around the campfire))) Anywho, back to the story. Anyone who has ever gone dancing has certainly seen the folks twirling all kinds of nifty light things around on their fingers, on strings or on other bits of things or body parts. As I was driving home from work early this morning I got it into my head that I wanted to finally give it a shot. My first ambition was to try that super long rope/chain thing that wooshes out about 12 feet like that little girl in “Kill Bill” was using to slap around Uma. At Dubstep I saw a young genius by the name of Eric Scott Baker swinging one of those around with a ball of fire on the end. It looked like a combination of amazing and super duper and fun all wrapped up into a tight little package of “I can do that”.(It turns out I can’t….. yet) Well I figured it would hardly be worth the effort if I didn’t have a glowing thingy to attach to the end so as 8A.M. rolled around I headed off the Walmart where I was sure there would be something that sparkles under its own power. It turns out Walmart is a horrible place and doesn’t have everything I desire and more. I checked the following departments and couldn’t find a single ball that would blink or stay lit without bouncing off of stuff. Pet supplies, Toys, Hardware, Holiday(Halloween). None of those departments had a single thing that once lit would stay that way while you swung it around on the end of a rope or chain. I guess the exception would be a flashlight but I decided that swinging a cheap plastic flashlight around in my apartment would quickly turn into me spending a lot of time picking up bits of cheap plastic and wall plaster. It was at this point that I decided to temporarily give up on the lights and improvise some sort of practice apparatus.(I figure the internet or your suggestions will turn up a sparkly at some point so get off your butts and email me a link or something to a cheap light up ball that won’t shatter as soon as it hits my kitchen ceiling light.)
Now even though I am no Bob Villa I do own a lot of tools and am quite comfortable around a shop.(arts and crafts or hardware) I looked at the materials I had laying around and came up with a pretty decent plan if I do say so myself. I had a couple hundred feet of parachute cord stashed away from my days in the military.(This is one of the most useful things to own if you do anything outdoorsy) I figured I could use some of that as the medium traveling from the end of my meat hooks to the weighted end pieces. For the end pieces I selected a couple of golf balls.
As I was carving up the Dubstep video this week one thing kept attracting my eye. It’s something that I have been on the periphery of for a gazillion years but have never seriously tried.(I never tried it because I have a sever lack of patience for things that I don’t pick up quickly and if God forbid I struggle at it I may never finish learning(see also the Guitar post that hasn’t been written yet(I have owned a guitar for several years and you will still never see me do much more than strum the same 2 chords no matter what song we drunken bastards are howling around the campfire))) Anywho, back to the story. Anyone who has ever gone dancing has certainly seen the folks twirling all kinds of nifty light things around on their fingers, on strings or on other bits of things or body parts. As I was driving home from work early this morning I got it into my head that I wanted to finally give it a shot. My first ambition was to try that super long rope/chain thing that wooshes out about 12 feet like that little girl in “Kill Bill” was using to slap around Uma. At Dubstep I saw a young genius by the name of Eric Scott Baker swinging one of those around with a ball of fire on the end. It looked like a combination of amazing and super duper and fun all wrapped up into a tight little package of “I can do that”.(It turns out I can’t….. yet) Well I figured it would hardly be worth the effort if I didn’t have a glowing thingy to attach to the end so as 8A.M. rolled around I headed off the Walmart where I was sure there would be something that sparkles under its own power. It turns out Walmart is a horrible place and doesn’t have everything I desire and more. I checked the following departments and couldn’t find a single ball that would blink or stay lit without bouncing off of stuff. Pet supplies, Toys, Hardware, Holiday(Halloween). None of those departments had a single thing that once lit would stay that way while you swung it around on the end of a rope or chain. I guess the exception would be a flashlight but I decided that swinging a cheap plastic flashlight around in my apartment would quickly turn into me spending a lot of time picking up bits of cheap plastic and wall plaster. It was at this point that I decided to temporarily give up on the lights and improvise some sort of practice apparatus.(I figure the internet or your suggestions will turn up a sparkly at some point so get off your butts and email me a link or something to a cheap light up ball that won’t shatter as soon as it hits my kitchen ceiling light.)
Now even though I am no Bob Villa I do own a lot of tools and am quite comfortable around a shop.(arts and crafts or hardware) I looked at the materials I had laying around and came up with a pretty decent plan if I do say so myself. I had a couple hundred feet of parachute cord stashed away from my days in the military.(This is one of the most useful things to own if you do anything outdoorsy) I figured I could use some of that as the medium traveling from the end of my meat hooks to the weighted end pieces. For the end pieces I selected a couple of golf balls.
I drilled a hole through each of the balls and pushed the cord through, tying both above and below the ball to keep it from sliding.(Something to remember with parachute cord is that you need to singe the ends when you cut it or it will fray outrageously and be useless in moments. Luckily I am an occasional smoker and keep a lighter handy)(*snicker, “luckily I smoke” use that in a sentence around your parents sometime and see what happens) I tied a loop at the end of each cord that barely fits over my hand so that I could attach my swinging balls to my body.
Isn't it amazing how much information they can fit on a golf ball?
Once I had the things constructed it was time to try them out. This went badly. Did you know that it is much easier to hit yourself with a golf ball on a rope than it is to not hit yourself? Did you know that the inside of a golf ball looks like chewed up number 2 pencil erasers once it has been drilled? Did you know that it’s going to take more than 5 minutes of constant practice to turn me into a ninja like in the youtube videos I watched that said they would teach me how to do this? I saw some Chinese kung fu guy with a dildo on a rope smashing the crap out of clay pots while the commentator said “This is one of the hardest weapons in martial arts to master” I should have listened. It’s a good thing I decided to use the shorter ropes first or I would be picking up bits of glass and bone fragments out of the yard right now.(Still not sure it was a good idea to try this in my apartment instead of outside first.)
Once I had the things constructed it was time to try them out. This went badly. Did you know that it is much easier to hit yourself with a golf ball on a rope than it is to not hit yourself? Did you know that the inside of a golf ball looks like chewed up number 2 pencil erasers once it has been drilled? Did you know that it’s going to take more than 5 minutes of constant practice to turn me into a ninja like in the youtube videos I watched that said they would teach me how to do this? I saw some Chinese kung fu guy with a dildo on a rope smashing the crap out of clay pots while the commentator said “This is one of the hardest weapons in martial arts to master” I should have listened. It’s a good thing I decided to use the shorter ropes first or I would be picking up bits of glass and bone fragments out of the yard right now.(Still not sure it was a good idea to try this in my apartment instead of outside first.)
Dramatic reenactment!! See that golf ball lodged into my eye? I didn’t even need a green screen for this little piece of magic. I do own a green screen by the way…. Anyone wanna buy a green screen?.... really cheap? Or some old trading cards? Hehe Just kidding.(seriously I would sell you all my minies in a heartbeat in order to get a new fluid head tripod. Those things are SWEET.) (I figure if stand up comedians can pimp their CD’s during their show I should be allowed to sell a few old Orcs (:
Anyway back to the blog. Did I ever tell you that Ninjas are sooooo much cooler than pirates?(see how I capitalized Ninja but not pirate? That was on purpose)<-- I bet I'm setting up a future blog right there.
Well, I think that pretty much sums up the “How Narf is trying to kill himself with an improvised weapon” blog. If I ever get even remotely good at this,(and by remotely good I mean not bashing myself every 3 seconds with a golf ball) I will post an update. I don’t encourage anyone to hold their breath.
Well, I think that pretty much sums up the “How Narf is trying to kill himself with an improvised weapon” blog. If I ever get even remotely good at this,(and by remotely good I mean not bashing myself every 3 seconds with a golf ball) I will post an update. I don’t encourage anyone to hold their breath.