Once upon a time the Narfster was a homeless bum. I know it’s hard to believe that such a hardcore entrepreneur would sink to that level but alas it is so. It turns out that when you make horrible choice after horrible choice you end up in a worse place than where you started. Who’d a thunk?
Let’s consider for a moment the steps it took to send me to “the streets”.
It came to pass that Narf decided to attend Michigan State University. His reasons for doing so were less than sound and probably the cause of much grief and sorrow. At any rate, off to school he went with visions of Star Trek and free pot dancing in his head. Did I mention his reasoning was flawed? In the beginning I would go to class and study and learn things of value and work in the cafeteria and generally make good decisions. That didn’t last long though. There was this kindly gentleman at the end of the hall in my dorm that threw parties every single night. I suspect that he may have been a soul trafficking devil even if he didn’t challenge me to a fiddle contest. Before long I was spending every night in that den of debauchery. Drinking cheap wine and puffing away on the ganja. It turns out that when you drink and get high every single night you start to lack the motivation to go to class. By the way if you ever decided to become a drunk pothead I totally recommend Boone’s Farm. It is cheap and plentiful and actually pretty tasty if you have really low standards. As for weed, I have no idea what is good or bad or expensive or cheap since I never paid for it. Somehow it never fell to me to acquire that delectable treat.
(I’m going to pause here for a sec to address all you jokers who think I’m making a horrible mistake here by admitting to smoking weed. *Clears Throat* For your information it has never been a secret to the public or the government that I was at one time a pot head. It never prevented me from getting a job. It didn’t prevent me from joining the Military either. I told the recruiter point blank that I smoked weed and he told me “Not anymore”. It’s in my military in-processing records and it didn’t prevent me from acquiring the second highest security clearance there is. So There. Unlike Former President Bill Clinton I am not so much of a moron that I would expect people to believe “I never inhaled” What a crock of shit. I am not bragging about my former transgressions and I haven’t smoked weed since I joined the Army all those years ago but if prohibition ever ends I might give it another shot.)
Ok, back to the homeless story (:
By the end of my first year at Michigan State University I had achieved the following goals:
Try alcohol poisoning. (not recommended)
Member of Star Trek club in good standing. (“I don’t even like cupcakes!!”)
Play Dungeons’ and Dragons. (A very good time)
Jump as many benches as possible on rollerblades (Didn’t break a single bone)
Pass a few afternoon classes (It was bound to happen a couple of times)
Get asked to leave by university personnel (“Take a year off to get your shit together, then come back”)
Unachieved goals:
Pass a single morning class (Why did I take a 5 credit math class two semesters in a row at 8A.M.?)
Become an Astronaut (Not high enough)
Become a professional Magic the Gathering player (Believe me I did try)
After I was academically booted from MSU I still hung around for a long time. I slept on Evil Barratt’s couch for a while until Stinky Don kicked me out. (Stinky Don not to be confused with Annoying Don) I worked a variety of jobs including Subway, Telemarketing, Blockbuster, Part Time Conman, etc. None of those endeavors worked for me for very long and I would often times find myself fired if I didn’t quit before that happened. When I finally hit bottom I was doing not much with myself except playing the Magic TCG, Sleeping on steam grates behind buildings and selling my blood(literally). The final straw came when I was escorted off of campus for vagrancy and trespassing. I was told that if I was found on University property again within the next year I would be immediately arrested. The one get out of jail free exception was this. I could be on campus if I had a ticket to a sporting event for that day. Athletics is after all very important. Hahahhahaahhaahah
Because I was still something of a moron I wasn’t spending the little money I had in the most efficient way. A typical routine went something like this. Go to plasma center. Sell Blood. Buy food occasionally but usually skip a meal to buy more magic cards.
Let’s consider for a moment the steps it took to send me to “the streets”.
It came to pass that Narf decided to attend Michigan State University. His reasons for doing so were less than sound and probably the cause of much grief and sorrow. At any rate, off to school he went with visions of Star Trek and free pot dancing in his head. Did I mention his reasoning was flawed? In the beginning I would go to class and study and learn things of value and work in the cafeteria and generally make good decisions. That didn’t last long though. There was this kindly gentleman at the end of the hall in my dorm that threw parties every single night. I suspect that he may have been a soul trafficking devil even if he didn’t challenge me to a fiddle contest. Before long I was spending every night in that den of debauchery. Drinking cheap wine and puffing away on the ganja. It turns out that when you drink and get high every single night you start to lack the motivation to go to class. By the way if you ever decided to become a drunk pothead I totally recommend Boone’s Farm. It is cheap and plentiful and actually pretty tasty if you have really low standards. As for weed, I have no idea what is good or bad or expensive or cheap since I never paid for it. Somehow it never fell to me to acquire that delectable treat.
(I’m going to pause here for a sec to address all you jokers who think I’m making a horrible mistake here by admitting to smoking weed. *Clears Throat* For your information it has never been a secret to the public or the government that I was at one time a pot head. It never prevented me from getting a job. It didn’t prevent me from joining the Military either. I told the recruiter point blank that I smoked weed and he told me “Not anymore”. It’s in my military in-processing records and it didn’t prevent me from acquiring the second highest security clearance there is. So There. Unlike Former President Bill Clinton I am not so much of a moron that I would expect people to believe “I never inhaled” What a crock of shit. I am not bragging about my former transgressions and I haven’t smoked weed since I joined the Army all those years ago but if prohibition ever ends I might give it another shot.)
Ok, back to the homeless story (:
By the end of my first year at Michigan State University I had achieved the following goals:
Try alcohol poisoning. (not recommended)
Member of Star Trek club in good standing. (“I don’t even like cupcakes!!”)
Play Dungeons’ and Dragons. (A very good time)
Jump as many benches as possible on rollerblades (Didn’t break a single bone)
Pass a few afternoon classes (It was bound to happen a couple of times)
Get asked to leave by university personnel (“Take a year off to get your shit together, then come back”)
Unachieved goals:
Pass a single morning class (Why did I take a 5 credit math class two semesters in a row at 8A.M.?)
Become an Astronaut (Not high enough)
Become a professional Magic the Gathering player (Believe me I did try)
After I was academically booted from MSU I still hung around for a long time. I slept on Evil Barratt’s couch for a while until Stinky Don kicked me out. (Stinky Don not to be confused with Annoying Don) I worked a variety of jobs including Subway, Telemarketing, Blockbuster, Part Time Conman, etc. None of those endeavors worked for me for very long and I would often times find myself fired if I didn’t quit before that happened. When I finally hit bottom I was doing not much with myself except playing the Magic TCG, Sleeping on steam grates behind buildings and selling my blood(literally). The final straw came when I was escorted off of campus for vagrancy and trespassing. I was told that if I was found on University property again within the next year I would be immediately arrested. The one get out of jail free exception was this. I could be on campus if I had a ticket to a sporting event for that day. Athletics is after all very important. Hahahhahaahhaahah
Because I was still something of a moron I wasn’t spending the little money I had in the most efficient way. A typical routine went something like this. Go to plasma center. Sell Blood. Buy food occasionally but usually skip a meal to buy more magic cards.
I realize that my priorities were rather flawed but I wouldn’t have this delightful little story if that wasn’t the case now would I? When I did buy food it was usually a loaf of bread and some peanut butter and honey. I would also grab one of those quarter pound hotdogs from the 7-11. (I still love peanut butter and honey to this day and you will occasionally see me eating a gas station chili dog too. I don’t understand those people who say “I can’t eat ramen noodles anymore because I ate them when I was poor.” Should have eaten PBandH you dorks. lol) One cold November day as I was walking through East Lansing thinking “This sucks” I noticed an Army recruiting center. It occurred to me that I had pretty much worn all the fun out of this whole sleeping outside on the ground in Michigan in November business and it was time for a change. I walked in to the place and signed up on the spot. The recruiter was pretty cool after I explained my situation and he knew he didn’t have to lie to me or trick me into joining. I think the fact that I said “Don’t bother lying or tricking because I am signing up no matter what bullshit you tell me.” Had a lot to do with that. At any rate I joined up, sold my magic cards and headed off into the sunset. (Sunset = Oklahoma = South Korea)
In retrospect I should have kept the magic cards. My whole “Soldiers aren’t going to play this silly game” philosophy only held up until I got to my first duty station and discovered that there was a Weekly Magic group that got together on post to play. I had to rebuild my collection from the ground up. At least I didn’t have to sell my blood to get the cards this time….. well actually….
In retrospect I should have kept the magic cards. My whole “Soldiers aren’t going to play this silly game” philosophy only held up until I got to my first duty station and discovered that there was a Weekly Magic group that got together on post to play. I had to rebuild my collection from the ground up. At least I didn’t have to sell my blood to get the cards this time….. well actually….